Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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