I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize