she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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