I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
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