Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
