Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
