3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Houston, we have a blender
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
