he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
