your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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