it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Randomize
