omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
She announced her abortion via fbk
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
