I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize