So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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