I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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