took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
