Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
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