can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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