Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
