ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
