woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
