the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize