Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
