I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize