My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
