CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
