So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Randomize
