either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
