Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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