it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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