In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
