If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
