When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I could fuck to npr.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
