I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
