you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
