Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
