i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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