even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
