i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
