Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
