ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Randomize
