i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
