i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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