hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
