I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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