:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
