I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize