don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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