billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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