Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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