Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
