we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
