fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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