Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
