my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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