Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
