Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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