wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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