I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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