if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
did i walk over a car last night?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
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