you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
