I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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